Nonprofit Major Gift Fundraising and the Fear of Asking

by Betsy Steward

It takes a lot of nerve to ask someone who is neither a relative nor a dear friend for money. And I don’t mean pocket change, I mean MONEY – the kind that has a lot of zeroes at the end.

But if you’re a major gift fundraiser, that’s your job. Does it intimidate you? How do you handle your fear?

Development professionals benefit by putting some thought into the understandable fear of asking so that it doesn’t rear its ugly head right at the worst possible moment — like at the beginning of the solicitation conversation — when anxiety can throw you off your game as you greet the donor and set the tone of the meeting.

I have no magic formula to erase your worries. I’m not a therapist, and I know of no herb or pill that can alleviate fear without robbing you of the energy and focus you need to ask.  

But I have a lot of experience dealing with performance anxiety, earned through years of major gift soliciting, public speaking, and, in my first career, opera singing. And let’s be honest, soliciting major gifts is a performance!

Here are some thoughts and ideas that have helped me calm myself before performances of all kinds. I hope they might help you, too.

Articulate the source of your fear.

Fear can make your mind go blank, hiding all your well-thought-out plans. But exactly what is it that’s making you nervous? If you can identify what’s going on, you might be able to defuse the fear and let it go.  

If you’re not sure exactly what’s scaring you, other than vague intimidation by the task at hand, consider this:  It’s been said that the root of fear is one of these three things: lack of information, lack of support, or lack of choice. Checking in on those three things always helped me bring my thoughts back in line and calm me down.

• Lack of information: have you prepared well for your solicitation meeting? Do you have the information you need to speak enthusiastically about your mission, with specific information about your current plans and needs? Have you researched the donor and reviewed your notes so that you remember all you need to know about him/her?
  
  If the answer to these questions is yes, then remind yourself you that you have the information you need to make the ask. If not, then take the time you need to prepare.

• Lack of support: is everyone on your team aware that you’re going to “make an ask?” They should be! Fundraising is a team sport — even if you’re the only one meeting with the donor, you’re not asking “on your own.” Talk candidly with a colleague or your ED about your nervousness. Everyone is familiar with “test anxiety” in some form, and your team certainly knows that it takes courage to solicit a gift. They can help just by listening, and it can help you to talk about it.
  
  Share your feelings honestly with your team without worrying that you’re revealing a vulnerability on your part. Feeling apprehensive about such a big job is no negative reflection on your ability as a fundraiser. It’s called a TEAM for a reason.

• Lack of choice: You DO have choice, in terms of when, where, how you ask, and how much you ask for. If you think the solicitation amount that the team has agreed upon is too much, or that this is not the right time to ask, then you need to listen to that instinct and share it with your team. And if the “ask” language you’ve prepared doesn’t feel natural when you say it, then rephrase it so you can ask naturally and with confidence.
  
  Giving yourself permission to adjust what you planned can be very freeing, and asking in language that feels personally genuine has proven to be much more successful in getting to “yes.” Plus, it will relax you.

Be honest with yourself, even if you pretend to others that you’re not scared. 

When you ignore the butterflies in your stomach or your sweaty palms, you give fear power. My experience as an opera singer taught me a technique that might be useful for you. Instead of pretending I wasn’t scared, toughing it out by ignoring any symptoms of fear, I would imagine fear as a person, and I would invite her to join me on stage. My attitude towards this person was, “Ok, if you insist on being here, c’mon, we’re in this together!” As I walked on stage, I would imagine her joining me as my shadow… and guess what, she disappeared by the time I hit my mark on the stage! By acknowledging the presence of fear, I robbed it of its power.

Focus on the ask, not the response or your total fundraising goal.

Sometimes fear of asking is related to worries about bringing in enough money to reach the goal. Do you have a subliminal thought-line running through the back of your mind? “What if we don’t make our goal, OH NO!” Shine a light on that thought process so you can let go of it! It doesn’t belong in a solicitation meeting.

 And sometimes fear of asking is related to what you are afraid the donor might say.

• First, don’t jump to a conclusion! Let them answer before you decide what they’re going to say. Maybe they’ll surprise you.

• Second, worrying about the reply is understandable, but your job is to ask, and only to ask.

The donor’s response is not your responsibility, and it definitely falls into the “things beyond your control” category. So let that go, too.

Remember that you are asking on behalf of people who cannot ask for themselves, and then keep your mind on the ask. Thinking about anything other than the ask is a distraction that robs you of the focus you need in a solicitation conversation.

Set yourself up for success.

The work you’re doing is too important to let fear get in the way. Don’t forget to include some time to deal with your fears before you meet with the donor, so that you can reduce or even eliminate them. You’ll have a better experience, you’ll develop a stronger relationship with the donor… and I bet you’ll bring in more funds!

Interested in talking with Betsy about fundraising? Subscribe to her blog by scrolling to the bottom of this page and schedule a free 45-minute session!

Betsy Steward is an independent fundraising consultant. She advises clients on major donor solicitation, cultivation, and stewardship, as well as fundraising best practices, back-office organization, board presentations and writing to donors (appeal letters, emails, proposal letters, thank-you notes, etc.). She can be reached at BetsyVSteward@gmail.com and you can join her blog mailing list by scrolling to the bottom of the page at https://www.betsystewardconsulting.com/.