Do You Take Criticism Well? Tips to Help the Medicine Go Down

by Betsy Steward

Taking criticism is a skill that’s required in just about every endeavor. In the nonprofit world, when I was a Director of Development, I fielded criticisms from the Executive Director, Board members, and donors, because, in the interest of helping their nonprofit thrive, they’re all allowed and encouraged to say what’s on their mind. Hearing criticism is just part of the job in fundraising.

As a fundraising consultant, it’s my job to offer ideas, enthusiasm… and sometimes criticism. I’ve noticed that not all of my clients take criticism very well. How about you?

Hearing and accepting criticism is an important life skill. It’s how we learn at the deepest levels, beyond reading books, attending lectures, or working at exercises to improve, because it’s so deeply personal and focused. If you can honestly hear and consider criticism, it will help you immeasurably to grow in whatever endeavor you pursue.

Easier said than done, for sure. I hope my blog can help you think constructively instead of defensively when criticism inevitably comes your way.

Regular readers of my blog may remember that my first career was as an opera singer. I learned a lot in that career that has helped me succeed in fundraising. I’ve written blogs about skills I’ve transferred from opera to fundraising, like handling rejection (a significant aspect of fundraising that no one likes to talk about) and preparing for a solicitation meeting (which, like singing, is a performance).

In today’s blog, I focus on lessons I learned in singing about handling criticism. Singers regularly meet with teachers, coaches, conductors, and pianists, whose job is to evaluate and criticize, with the goal of improving the singer’s performance. That’s a lot of criticism! And if you’re really successful, you even get criticized in PRINT! Reviews can be wonderful… or devastating. Either way, a singer must learn to take it in stride, and consider any nuggets of truth a negative review may reveal.

The First Step

The goal of criticism should be to improve something. Before you listen to any evaluation, ask yourself if you think the person offering it is honestly trying to help you improve, or if they have some other agenda. Even if you believe a critique springs from less-than-noble motivation, it may still benefit you to consider it, keeping in mind that it could be tainted. But if, like my teachers, coaches, conductors, and pianists, the person offering criticism is hoping to help you upgrade something you’re doing, then park your ego on the shelf and LISTEN.  

Socrates’ Triple Filters Test Adjusted for Taking Criticism

Once you’ve opened yourself to listen, I suggest using an adjusted version of Socrates’ Triple Filters Test. There’s a story about Socrates in which one of his disciples comes to him with a story. Before he will listen to the story, Socrates tells the man that his story must pass the Triple Filter Test:

• is it true?

• is it good?

• is it useful?

Although the purpose of Socrates’ story is to teach us not to pay attention to rumors and gossip, his filters can be helpfully adapted to handle criticism. For instance:

1. Filter of Truth: is it true?

Quiet your ego, listen to the criticism, and ask yourself honestly: is it true? It could be, and if it is, be willing to face it. The world won’t end if it turns out that you’re not actually perfect!

Or it might not be true. I remember getting a letter with feedback from an important conductor after I had auditioned for him. I shared it with my teacher, and we agreed that his observations didn’t ring true for either of us. It didn’t mean that the conductor was wrong… but his opinion wasn’t just automatically right, either. It didn’t line up with my teacher’s or my analysis of my singing, so we decided not to follow the direction he suggested.

Ask yourself when you are criticized: is that criticism valid? If you conclude that it is, then consider how you can change. If not, let it go.

2. Filter of Utility: is it useful?

Don’t confuse feedback with criticism, and don’t try to address problems that you can’t change. Feedback isn’t always useful. In the movie Tootsie, there’s an audition scene for Dustin Hoffman’s character Michael. After he reads his lines, the feedback he’s given is that they were looking for someone shorter. (His desperate plea — “I can be shorter!” — made me laugh.) But that’s feedback, not criticism, which may help you understand something, but may not offer any insight that can help you improve. (Michael learned why he wasn’t cast in the role, but didn’t glean any action steps or ideas that could improve his acting.)

Before you dismiss it, though, make sure you’ve pushed yourself to do the very best you can. You must ask yourself if the feedback could be something you could change. In opera, before technology made opera on film available, overweight singers were considered acceptable. Despite the stereotype, that is not true anymore — if a singer is too heavy for a role, she won’t be hired. So, if the feedback at a singer’s audition is, “you’re too heavy to be believable in this role”, a singer who’s really determined to succeed in opera could work to get in better shape.

Ask yourself when you are given feedback: is it something I can change? If it is, change it! If not, let it go.

3. Filter of My Reaction: am I being defensive?

Sometimes it’s hard to hear that something you did or produced wasn’t as perfect as you thought it was. I remember singing in an opera that was reviewed in a prominent publication. The reviewer noted that my character “seemed to have had too much coffee.” Nothing about my voice, my presence, or my musicianship, just — “she had too much coffee.” Ouch.

It was no fun to read that review… but it helped me to realize that my excitement at singing that role was working against me. After I admitted (to myself!) that he had a point, I was able to calm down and improve my remaining performances in that production because he pointed out something that wasn’t obvious to me, and that my fellow performers (including the conductor and director) hadn’t noticed. Of course, that reviewer never came back, so he never saw that I learned from his review – but I did! And only because I was able to put aside my impulse to defend and protect myself, and open myself up to his legitimate critique.

Ask yourself when someone offers their opinion: can I see it from their perspective? Looking at it that way might help you stop your natural inclination to defend and protect yourself.

The ability to welcome valid criticism is an invaluable skill, and the more you can do that, the farther you’ll go towards your goals, whatever they may be. In my experience, both as a singer and a fundraiser, once my I got my ego out of the way, I was grateful for the criticisms I received because they ultimately helped me improve.

Does this mean I always take criticism well? No, I’m sorry to say, it does not.

But it helps. And I hope it will help you, too.

 
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Betsy Steward is an independent fundraising consultant. She advises clients on major donor solicitation, cultivation, and stewardship, as well as fundraising best practices, back-office organization, board presentations and writing to donors (appeal letters, emails, proposal letters, thank-you notes, etc.). She can be reached at BetsyVSteward@gmail.com